Remember the little things
You often hear people say that relationships are hard work and that you need to be able to put in the effort to make it last. But I've never agreed with this. I think the best relationships shouldn't feel like work at all.
Terri Orbuch agrees. As project director of the Early Years of Marriage Project, funded by the American National Institute of Health, she's been following 373 married couples since 1986. One of her findings was that happy relationships shouldn't be hard work.
Orbuch - also known as The Love Doctor and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great - says that while relationship experts tend to focus on fixing what's wrong in your relationship, her research shows that adding positive behaviours has a much greater impact on a couples' happiness.
She offers four things you can do to make your relationship happier, more passionate, and more fun.
"Get real" with your expectations. Do you wish he had rippling abs and a million-dollar bonus? Or that she was a football fanatic and perked up at 2 a.m. with an 18-year-old's libido when you roll into bed? Sure you do, but how realistic is that? Having unrealistic expectations leads to frustration, and Orbuch's study found that frustration is the main reason relationships fail.
Try this: Write down your top two relationship expectations on a piece of paper, and ask your partner to do the same. Now, switch papers and discuss. Are your expectations reasonable? How can you make them more so? This simple exercise helps you see what's really important to your lover, and puts everything else into perspective.
Do small things often to make your partner happy. In her study, couples who gave affective affirmation to each other regularly were the happiest. Affective affirmation consists of compliments, help and support, encouragement, and subtle (nonsexual) rewards, such as handholding. One of her key findings? Men crave affective affirmation more than women, because women typically get it from people other than their husbands. When men don't get it, they become distressed.
Try this: Tell your guy he looks great in his outfit. Or spontaneously give your gal a hand with the dishes. Send your man a middle-of-the-day sexy email. Or fill up your gal's tank with gas. You'll be surprised how effective these small gestures are in showing you care.
Talk to each other. Most couples think they talk all the time. But how often do you talk about things that deepen your understanding of your mate? The happy couples in Orbuch's study talked to each other frequently -- not about their relationship, but about other things -- and felt they knew a lot about their spouse in four key areas: friends, stressors, life dreams, and values.
Try this: Set aside 10 minutes a day to talk to your partner about anything other than work, family, the household, or the relationship. Ask her what her favorite movie is, and why. Ask him to recall a happy memory from childhood. Ask her what she'd like to be remembered for. Do it at dinner, before bed, or anytime -- as long as you do it for 10 minutes every day.
Shake things up. Want more passion? Orbuch's research shows that the best way to do this is by implementing change. The changes can be small, but they have to upset the routine enough to make him or her sit up and take notice.
Try this: Switch roles: If he always makes the dinner reservation, have her do it. Or interrupt routines: Play hooky from work and visit a museum or go to an afternoon ball game together. Try something new: Take a water-skiing class or dance lessons together.
It doesn't take much to shake things up and infuse your love life with surprises, fun, and excitement. Introducing small behavioral changes and attitude shifts is the key to maintaining a happy relationship.
